Hell Hath No Fury At All

Storm the Gates of Hell by Demon Hunter is the song I'm really meditating on right now.  It's the song that wraps me up in a neat little package with a razor wire bow.  I can't remember if I wrote about this already, but as a Christian we have two callings: to further the Kingdom of God and to fuck up satan's.

"You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder."

- James 2:19

You already have the victory.  You have nothing to fear.  Demons and satan can't touch you unless you directly let them or God gives them permission.  In either case, God has got your back to the point where you don't have to worry.  

By helping God's Kingdom you are tearing down satan's and vice versa.  Building up God's realm is just as simple as loving.  That's it.  

I have to admit, I still care about Angie after I broke up with her, and I still love her.  It's really rough on me, but I don't think I'll ever really get over caring or loving for her.  It's just something I need to accept. It's really hard for me to let anything go.

It's one of my faults and another is how I treat myself.  I let other people walk all over me and then I beat myself up after that by adding to their insults.  Then I get upset about beating myself up and then I want other people to fix me.  

I have a really big problem with not wanting to fix myself by myself.  I guess I need help, but only to a certain point.  *shrugs* I think I'm done. 

Stand Up. Speak Out. Fight Back.

Ot3P "Confrontation"

At what point should I stand up for myself?  When is it acceptable to speak out?  What about fighting back?

Never.

According to society we should never ever stand up, speak out, or fight back.  It's disgusting how we are supposed to accept the "hand we are dealt."  Yet, people who pursue the so called "American Dream" and rise above their lot.

Those people are praised, but I am shut down for trying to make my life better.  How am I trying to do so?  By following everyone's standards and trying to suck up the fact I am not happy.

My solution?  I have none that would work.  I want to talk with the people, but they don't listen, and then the conversation gets heated...

"Let us be known for the things we believe in, for the things we fight for and strive for."

-Ot3p

Sacrifice

God put this idea on my heart a while ago and then I ran away from Him.  Tonight I started getting the fellowship I need.  God kind of put this idea BACK in my heart.

As a Christian we really only have two callings: further God's kingdom and screw up satan's.  That's all there is to it.

How does one do both?  I have two songs that will hopefully help clarify.  "Sons of Thunder" and "The Finisher"

False Hope

This post is going to seem backwards.  Because it is backwards.  I first saw this picture on a shirt freshman year.  I wrote the poem that I am about to share around the end of junior year.  I shared it with my friends who I knew would be honest with my work.  They loved it. 

My room is a mess and I find "lost" things in it quite often.  Sometimes I will make an effort to find a certain "jewel."  This poem was what I sought after.  It took some ruffling through paper, but I found it. 

My intention was to read it for my creative writing class.  Neither the teacher nor the student teacher showed up.  Instead, a community assistant was there.  Nothing productive happened that day.

-Russian Roulette-

I slide a round into the chamber
Spin the chamber round and round
In a game of twisted fun
Cold steel feels smooth against my temple
The revolver clicks as I pull the hammer
Cocked and ready to fire
Slowly I pull the trigger
Sweat gleams on my furrowed brow
Blam the gun fires
Butterflies flutter from my skull

Running, Running Away

Right now I am listening to "Run" by Kutless.  Every time I listen to this song it brings remorse to my heart.  It reminds me that I am the one who runs away from God, not the other way around.  This simple truth is something that I need to be reminded of.

It's too easy to forget that God is there.  I am constantly forgetting that.  It's really amazing how people think of God and how many forget that God never leaves you.

My Disease

I feel it coursing through me.  It runs helter-skelter through my veins.  I feel this, this sickness eating away at my very being.  It consumes my heart corroding my being.  My senses are heightened, my vision alert.  I can't see clearly through this mist.  Straining, straining, I attempt to view my goal.  There is no crack in the sky, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

All I know is darkness.  A darkness so sinister, so malicious that not even love can penetrate it.  It's said, "love makes the world go round."  To me "love makes the world stop."

I try to be a light that shines in the darkness.  I try to fight the only fight worth fighting.  The result?  A mouth filled with teeth like daggers.  The only noise that emanates from this mouth is guttural promises, promises to rip, no tear, no rend the very heart from your chest.

My throat has more maggots, more flies, and more disease than an open tomb.  A long twisting appendage that used to be a tongue caresses my wormy lips.  There is nothing left on my body that resembles flesh.  All that remains is putrid gray hide with sickly green coursing through it.

I try to be something that people can look at, not because I'm beautiful, but because I'm an example.  I tried so hard for so long to be that one positive person to my family.  Instead I'm a diseased limb waiting to be chopped off.

Any attempt to be helpful, nice, or just charismatic was stabbed.  Stabbed so many times that all that's left was a shattered, broken, bleeding being.  A bloody pulp meant to be spat on, ridiculed, and scorned.

I'm told time and time again that there's more to this.  Time and time again I'm reminded this "more" is pain.  Others wonder why I am so secluded, so wrapped up in myself.  They don't stop to ask why.  They don't take the time to ask why.  What caused this child to think, no play with unspeakable evil.  What made this person hate so many things, to stop caring about almost everything.

Pain and fear create my disease. 

My Attempt at Something Deep

I just finished walking around downtown Ypsi singing worship.  Right now, I'm sitting in my work while I'm not on the clock.  I don't really have any reason to be down here, except for trying to make Angie feel better today.

I also, want to just relax as well.  Anyways, while I was walking around singing I kind of had some of my awkward half thoughts floating around.

Here goes my attempt at writing something deep.

Open wounds take forever to heal.  Those on your body, and in as well. I'm not talking about like crones, but more like heart wounds.  I have a ton of open wounds in my heart.  They have been sitting there, and honestly have been starting to fester.

Sound gross?  Yeah, it is.  I don't know how to explain it, but I have a ton of wounds that were created by people I love, and who profess they love me.  Honestly, I don't know if they do.  I have a really hard time with accepting love especially from those people.

Take God for example, He's supposed to be perfect and such, but I have a mega hard time accepting His love because of those people.

The biggest and earliest source of my distrust with love is from my parents.  They physically, mentally, and emotionally hurt me.  I don't want to delve into the hurts, because I don't want to reopen the wounds anymore than they already are.  The physical stopped around 7th grade, but I still hurt.  It will take way to long to fully fathom that my parents love me.  I still don't believe it.  I still blow off the "I love you" from my parents.

Another huge person who has influenced my ability to accept love is myself.  I don't want to get into that too deeply as I don't really know what all I  have done to hurt myself.  That sounds funny, but most of my "spurts" of self abuse in every form are fuzzy.  I realize I should love myself, but I have a hard time doing it.  I have the capacity to love myself, but I find it really hard.

I really regret saying this, but Angie has been another person who has sown some wounds.  Her wounds are the freshest, and well the most prone to infection.   Stuff went down during the first month or so of our relationship.  Those wounds are still oozing puss.  It's really gross.  She won't talk about the stuff, that caused these wounds, which makes them even more prone to festering.

I'm running out of steam.  Perhaps there will be more later.

I Walk Alone

So, sorry it's been so long.  That out of the way, I guess the title is kind of depressing.  It's kind of true though. 

I am currently wrestling with God, and I am kind at a loss.  I know this match will either make or break me, and frankly it's terrifying.  Angie doesn't know how to help, and honestly she initiated most of these thoughts. 

I feel so alone right now.  I am NOT contemplating suicide, but I just don't know.  I have this gift.  It's called faith.  It's such a blessing and a curse.  It has saved me on more than one occasion, and I am pretty sure it will save me again. 

The curse is it saving me.  I have wanted so desperately to fall away from God.  I can't do it.  I can't.  Something keeps pulling me back, and I hate it.  There is this one quote from one of my favorite movies.  It pretty much goes like, "don't you believe in God?"  "Yeah, he's the biggest asshole ever."

That's how I feel.  My spiritual highs are so amazingly high, and my lows are so low.  I know that is an extremely crappy description but it's the best I can muster.  One second I'm in love with God and the next I hate the guy.

I can't explain my spiritual bi-polarness.  I can however explain why this low happened.  I guess it has a ton to do with Angie.  I can't really get into the specifics, but us being together has been one of the most painful things in my life. 

It's one of those things that is slowly leeching away at you, but really is creating a new and better person.  Angie makes me think about why people change.  Why people don't think.  I don't know it's crazy. 

Right now, if you could please pray for me and my fight with God that would be great.

The Great Expectation

I was reading my Bible tonight, when this passage struck me.  Mark 7: 24-30 really shocks me.  I know that demons and even satan MUST flee when  the name of Jesus is declared, but with this passage God's name isn't said. 

Why did the demon leave?  Of course!  Jesus has enough faith to expect the demons should flee, and flee they did.  It's so amazing when you think about it.  You don't have to utter God's name to see healing, and demons cast out.  It sure helps though.

I just think it's really neat how demons listen to our expectations.  It takes a ton of faith, that I frankly don't have yet.  I would love to have this faith, so God please grant me this faith. 

Another thing that I have been wrestling with lately is the whole idea of furthering the Kingdom.  What exactly is the Kingdom?  It's wherever God's will is being carried out.  It may not seem like it but running around with other Christians is furthering the Kingdom.

How?  We are having fellowship, it's really cool how the most random things are spreading God's will.  I wish I knew more about God's will... I guess that's where I should practice my discernment more.

Revenge I Seek...

I don't really have a premise for this post, I guess I just need to vent a bit.

^"1 How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
   How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
   and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
   How long will my enemy triumph over me?
 ³ Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
   Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
   and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
 ⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
   my heart rejoices in your salvation.
⁶ I will sing the LORD’s praise,
   for he has been good to me."
 -Psalm 13

This was the first Psalm that I opened up to.  It's really cool because it's short sweet and to the point.  There are Psalms that go on for way longer and say the exact same thing.  I think that's pretty nifty how the Psalmist just sums it all up here.

All of that out of the way, God has been really good to me lately.  Which is totally awesome because I know that I have been having problems with believing that God loves me. 

Some good news, You Are Loved has decided to become a ministry, which means that we will be telling people about God as well as telling them they shouldn't be self destructive.  That said, I think it's really important for people to know that they are indeed loved.
 

This is Our Worship, Goreship

Worship is a very odd thing, as it doesn't really matter what your actions are, it matters what your intent is.  That said, I have been dabbling with the occult.  Not really big news to most people if you really think about it.  I have been playing with the Spiritual fire, demons.

If you have any sense heed my words: DON'T DO IT!

It's the one of the most stupidest and hurtful things you can do.  I don't suggest it to anyone.  By my entertaining demons I have been worshiping satan and thus I have been messing around with well, the most effed up entity ever. 

That said, I would like to proclaim that God has bigger, better plans for me.  I can't wait to start kicking the demons out of my life.  I can't wait to start caring about everything again.

So, yes, I am starting to worship God fully again.  That means doing work.  It's gonna suck, but it's gonna be freaking awesome!  I am going to be asking for patience to endure all the crap satan will throw at me, and the wisdom to know what's right to do.  Lastly I need to ask for the conviction to do those hard things.

I would like to end this by saying the title is from a song called "Silence the Oppressors" by Impending Doom.  "Goreship" is the worship of God.

Another Poem

-Hopeless Abandon-

Screaming I cry Your name

I can't live move breath

Without You holding me

I've moved away in rebellion

Only to fall on my face again

Screaming I cry Your name

A perfect portrait

Now stained with innocent blood

Impossibly to clean

Ruined memoires

Screaming I cry Your name

Until my lungs give way

 

I just wrote that poem.  It's pretty much my way of saying so many different things all wrapped into one giant thing.  

First and foremost, it's my way of saying "I'm lost, and I don't know where to go, so I cry out to God."  The lines about not being able to live and such are pretty much me just saying "I can't function without God, and I have been trying to."

Let me say from experience, it sucks, to be without God.

The next stanza is pretty much just me complaining about some stuff gone wrong in my life. 

Bated Breath...

-Breath In Breath Out-
Y-H-W-H
The sound of breath
A cry for help
Inhale
Exhale
Breath in and out
Y-H-W-H
Move by the Spirit
Inside of you

I wrote this in church today, after watching a Nooma about breathing.  It was really nifty, because the Jews believe that God's name is so divine that we can't say it.  They think that the name of God is the sound of breathing.  If you take the letters of God's name Y-H-W-H it IS the sound of breathing!!

I think that's the coolest thing.  There is also this really awesome song Breathe Into Me is a song that kind of relates to the whole thing.  It's about breathing in God, which is TOTALLY RAD!

It's really nifty because the whole idea of breathing is like calling out the name of the living God.  Note, I said LIVING GOD.  Living = breathing right?  In my mind it does.

Operation Job Hunt

I wish I knew how to type out the "shotgun racking" noise.  Either way, I'm looking for jobs.  I found a possible job at a coffee shop in downtown Ypsilanti.  Angie works there so getting rides will be easy.  That said, I still need to get the job.  I turned in my application a while ago, and hopefully I will get the job.

If B-24's fails I don't know where else to look.  If you have any suggestions that are serious please let me know.

Now onto Bible things!  I have ideas, but I don't really know how to construe them.  I would like to talk about prayer, but talking about prayer is kind of a strange thing. 

I try to split my prayer up into four different parts: A.C.T.S.

Affirmation:  It's basically showering God with good things.  Kind of like when someone says, "Thanks for being awesome!" I totally hate affirming God because I see my attempts to  glorify Him as futile as trying to throw a rock around the world; in one throw.  Impossible.

Confession:  That's admitting your sins.  Pretty straightforward.  I also try to forgive people for stuff they have done against me as well.

Thanksgiving:  Just giving thanks to God for everything.  Nuff said.

Supplication:  That would be asking for things. 

Light and Dark, Good and Evil

There are so many Bible passages I can think of that reflect the way my life has been going down.  I am going to pick a sort of long passage, but a REALLY good one.

"It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life."
- 1 Thessalonians 4: 3-8

Sex, sex, sex that's what I want to write about.  So I know this girl who did some stuff with other guys a long time ago.  I also know a girl who is starting down that slippery slope right now.  I want to write this to show just how messed up sin is, and how much it changes peoples' lives.

I will talk about the first example first.  So, this girl I know did stuff with multiple guys I know.  This girl is in a relationship with someone else I know, and the guy she is dating knows the guys that she did this stuff with.

Let's say that the girl wasn't honest about what she did and I watched their relationship fall apart because of the dishonesty.  My friend, who was apart of the earlier scandal, and I were talking about how his actions were used by satan to really mess with this girl and her boyfriend's lives.

God uses everything for His good.  Satan does the same except it's to seriously screw with EVERYONE! 

Lesson to be learned?  Don't mess around with sex before you are married.

I don't really have much to say about the second girl, except for you should really take a second look at your life, and CUT THE CRAP OUT!!

Peace out cub scout

Take Up Your Cross

"Then he said to them all: 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.'"
Luke 9:23

Dying to self is a very interesting topic to me.  I have always been fascinated by the thought of "dying to myself."  I have always wanted to die in a "noble fashion."  To me that would be in a battle fending off lots of bad guys.  Inside I hope that never happens and I hope that I instead die in a quick way.  Honestly, the idea of "dying to oneself" is a very confusing thing.  


When I think of "taking up one's cross" I think of literally carrying a cross.  The Biblical standpoint behind it isn't that far off.  It actually means that one has to carry all of their issues, addictions, habits, or whatever on a cross and give it up.  When Jesus was carrying His cross it was symbolic of Him bearing ALL of EVERYONE'S sins.  Which, is really cool.  

Taking your cross up is dying to self because it is saying that "I am going to crucify the bad things about me."

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship."
Romans 12:1

What is worship, but honoring God?  Not much.  Thus, this verse is really cool because it's saying "hey, you should present yourself as a living sacrifice because this is the best freaking way to worship!"  Sure, singing worship songs is awesome, but pretty much everyone can do it.  Not everyone has the guts to present themselves as a living sacrifice.  


My challenge for you is not only take your cross up and follow God, but also present yourself as that living sacrifice.  There is this really cool link that someone showed me that I would like to in turn share with you.
Dying To Self

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God

"Do not be far from me,
for trouble is near
and there is no one to help."
Psalm 22:11

I would use the rest of Psalm 22, but that would be 31 verses of pure depression. Which, explains why it is one of my favorite Psalms. I can relate.

Most of the time I feel like a worm and not a man; it is also pretty common for me to feel like God has just walked out on me. Of course He hasn't but that's where this verse comes in.

I really need to learn to start trusting people including God, my family, and my girlfriend. God, put people in my life to tell me to change how I live. The nagging has gotten really annoying.

I am the kind of person who needs to be shown how to do something. I can't be told "do better in school" and then left with that. Do better how? Oh yeah, work harder... I think I'm working as hard as I can under the current situation.

It feels a lot like the people around me who are trying to help are actually harming. They nag and nag which adds pressure and stress to me. I can't function with at least four people breathing down my back telling me what to do...

God, please hear my cry for help of "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God" Amen

The Not so Pretty Side of Things

"Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God."
Romans 8:5-8

What exactly is a desire? I think of a desire as more than a simple want. Desires are more of a driving force. If I were to desire something, I would think about it and try to get it.

When you focus on and desire things of the flesh such as money, sex, or whatever you are putting something before God. I imagine life as not one, not two, but three burners. Like the burners on a stove. The front one is the stuff that is on your mind the most. The back burner is the stuff that is least important to you. The middle burner is, well, neutral.

When you have God's desires on your heart you are living in the Spirit. It is really cool to be living in the Spirit. God is also happier with you when your heart reflects His.

Why do we sin? We sin because it looks, feels, tastes, and sounds good. In actuality it kills us. Sin kills us in every way shape and form.

Why don't we do the stuff God wants us to do? God's way is the hard way. It looks, feels, tastes, and sounds hard, but from what I have found through personal experiences is that it may seem difficult but really it is the most rewarding in the long run.

For example, I helped put in a volleyball court at the school I used to go to. I can still talk about it and feel good about doing it. Sure, it was hard labor, but I still feel good about it.