My Attempt at Something Deep

I just finished walking around downtown Ypsi singing worship.  Right now, I'm sitting in my work while I'm not on the clock.  I don't really have any reason to be down here, except for trying to make Angie feel better today.

I also, want to just relax as well.  Anyways, while I was walking around singing I kind of had some of my awkward half thoughts floating around.

Here goes my attempt at writing something deep.

Open wounds take forever to heal.  Those on your body, and in as well. I'm not talking about like crones, but more like heart wounds.  I have a ton of open wounds in my heart.  They have been sitting there, and honestly have been starting to fester.

Sound gross?  Yeah, it is.  I don't know how to explain it, but I have a ton of wounds that were created by people I love, and who profess they love me.  Honestly, I don't know if they do.  I have a really hard time with accepting love especially from those people.

Take God for example, He's supposed to be perfect and such, but I have a mega hard time accepting His love because of those people.

The biggest and earliest source of my distrust with love is from my parents.  They physically, mentally, and emotionally hurt me.  I don't want to delve into the hurts, because I don't want to reopen the wounds anymore than they already are.  The physical stopped around 7th grade, but I still hurt.  It will take way to long to fully fathom that my parents love me.  I still don't believe it.  I still blow off the "I love you" from my parents.

Another huge person who has influenced my ability to accept love is myself.  I don't want to get into that too deeply as I don't really know what all I  have done to hurt myself.  That sounds funny, but most of my "spurts" of self abuse in every form are fuzzy.  I realize I should love myself, but I have a hard time doing it.  I have the capacity to love myself, but I find it really hard.

I really regret saying this, but Angie has been another person who has sown some wounds.  Her wounds are the freshest, and well the most prone to infection.   Stuff went down during the first month or so of our relationship.  Those wounds are still oozing puss.  It's really gross.  She won't talk about the stuff, that caused these wounds, which makes them even more prone to festering.

I'm running out of steam.  Perhaps there will be more later.

I Walk Alone

So, sorry it's been so long.  That out of the way, I guess the title is kind of depressing.  It's kind of true though. 

I am currently wrestling with God, and I am kind at a loss.  I know this match will either make or break me, and frankly it's terrifying.  Angie doesn't know how to help, and honestly she initiated most of these thoughts. 

I feel so alone right now.  I am NOT contemplating suicide, but I just don't know.  I have this gift.  It's called faith.  It's such a blessing and a curse.  It has saved me on more than one occasion, and I am pretty sure it will save me again. 

The curse is it saving me.  I have wanted so desperately to fall away from God.  I can't do it.  I can't.  Something keeps pulling me back, and I hate it.  There is this one quote from one of my favorite movies.  It pretty much goes like, "don't you believe in God?"  "Yeah, he's the biggest asshole ever."

That's how I feel.  My spiritual highs are so amazingly high, and my lows are so low.  I know that is an extremely crappy description but it's the best I can muster.  One second I'm in love with God and the next I hate the guy.

I can't explain my spiritual bi-polarness.  I can however explain why this low happened.  I guess it has a ton to do with Angie.  I can't really get into the specifics, but us being together has been one of the most painful things in my life. 

It's one of those things that is slowly leeching away at you, but really is creating a new and better person.  Angie makes me think about why people change.  Why people don't think.  I don't know it's crazy. 

Right now, if you could please pray for me and my fight with God that would be great.