So, sorry it's been so long. That out of the way, I guess the title is kind of depressing. It's kind of true though.
I am currently wrestling with God, and I am kind at a loss. I know this match will either make or break me, and frankly it's terrifying. Angie doesn't know how to help, and honestly she initiated most of these thoughts.
I feel so alone right now. I am NOT contemplating suicide, but I just don't know. I have this gift. It's called faith. It's such a blessing and a curse. It has saved me on more than one occasion, and I am pretty sure it will save me again.
The curse is it saving me. I have wanted so desperately to fall away from God. I can't do it. I can't. Something keeps pulling me back, and I hate it. There is this one quote from one of my favorite movies. It pretty much goes like, "don't you believe in God?" "Yeah, he's the biggest asshole ever."
That's how I feel. My spiritual highs are so amazingly high, and my lows are so low. I know that is an extremely crappy description but it's the best I can muster. One second I'm in love with God and the next I hate the guy.
I can't explain my spiritual bi-polarness. I can however explain why this low happened. I guess it has a ton to do with Angie. I can't really get into the specifics, but us being together has been one of the most painful things in my life.
It's one of those things that is slowly leeching away at you, but really is creating a new and better person. Angie makes me think about why people change. Why people don't think. I don't know it's crazy.
Right now, if you could please pray for me and my fight with God that would be great.
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