Right now I am listening to "Run" by Kutless. Every time I listen to this song it brings remorse to my heart. It reminds me that I am the one who runs away from God, not the other way around. This simple truth is something that I need to be reminded of.
It's too easy to forget that God is there. I am constantly forgetting that. It's really amazing how people think of God and how many forget that God never leaves you.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
My Disease
I feel it coursing through me. It runs helter-skelter through my veins. I feel this, this sickness eating away at my very being. It consumes my heart corroding my being. My senses are heightened, my vision alert. I can't see clearly through this mist. Straining, straining, I attempt to view my goal. There is no crack in the sky, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
All I know is darkness. A darkness so sinister, so malicious that not even love can penetrate it. It's said, "love makes the world go round." To me "love makes the world stop."
I try to be a light that shines in the darkness. I try to fight the only fight worth fighting. The result? A mouth filled with teeth like daggers. The only noise that emanates from this mouth is guttural promises, promises to rip, no tear, no rend the very heart from your chest.
My throat has more maggots, more flies, and more disease than an open tomb. A long twisting appendage that used to be a tongue caresses my wormy lips. There is nothing left on my body that resembles flesh. All that remains is putrid gray hide with sickly green coursing through it.
I try to be something that people can look at, not because I'm beautiful, but because I'm an example. I tried so hard for so long to be that one positive person to my family. Instead I'm a diseased limb waiting to be chopped off.
Any attempt to be helpful, nice, or just charismatic was stabbed. Stabbed so many times that all that's left was a shattered, broken, bleeding being. A bloody pulp meant to be spat on, ridiculed, and scorned.
I'm told time and time again that there's more to this. Time and time again I'm reminded this "more" is pain. Others wonder why I am so secluded, so wrapped up in myself. They don't stop to ask why. They don't take the time to ask why. What caused this child to think, no play with unspeakable evil. What made this person hate so many things, to stop caring about almost everything.
Pain and fear create my disease.
All I know is darkness. A darkness so sinister, so malicious that not even love can penetrate it. It's said, "love makes the world go round." To me "love makes the world stop."
I try to be a light that shines in the darkness. I try to fight the only fight worth fighting. The result? A mouth filled with teeth like daggers. The only noise that emanates from this mouth is guttural promises, promises to rip, no tear, no rend the very heart from your chest.
My throat has more maggots, more flies, and more disease than an open tomb. A long twisting appendage that used to be a tongue caresses my wormy lips. There is nothing left on my body that resembles flesh. All that remains is putrid gray hide with sickly green coursing through it.
I try to be something that people can look at, not because I'm beautiful, but because I'm an example. I tried so hard for so long to be that one positive person to my family. Instead I'm a diseased limb waiting to be chopped off.
Any attempt to be helpful, nice, or just charismatic was stabbed. Stabbed so many times that all that's left was a shattered, broken, bleeding being. A bloody pulp meant to be spat on, ridiculed, and scorned.
I'm told time and time again that there's more to this. Time and time again I'm reminded this "more" is pain. Others wonder why I am so secluded, so wrapped up in myself. They don't stop to ask why. They don't take the time to ask why. What caused this child to think, no play with unspeakable evil. What made this person hate so many things, to stop caring about almost everything.
Pain and fear create my disease.
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