Running, Running Away

Right now I am listening to "Run" by Kutless.  Every time I listen to this song it brings remorse to my heart.  It reminds me that I am the one who runs away from God, not the other way around.  This simple truth is something that I need to be reminded of.

It's too easy to forget that God is there.  I am constantly forgetting that.  It's really amazing how people think of God and how many forget that God never leaves you.

My Disease

I feel it coursing through me.  It runs helter-skelter through my veins.  I feel this, this sickness eating away at my very being.  It consumes my heart corroding my being.  My senses are heightened, my vision alert.  I can't see clearly through this mist.  Straining, straining, I attempt to view my goal.  There is no crack in the sky, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

All I know is darkness.  A darkness so sinister, so malicious that not even love can penetrate it.  It's said, "love makes the world go round."  To me "love makes the world stop."

I try to be a light that shines in the darkness.  I try to fight the only fight worth fighting.  The result?  A mouth filled with teeth like daggers.  The only noise that emanates from this mouth is guttural promises, promises to rip, no tear, no rend the very heart from your chest.

My throat has more maggots, more flies, and more disease than an open tomb.  A long twisting appendage that used to be a tongue caresses my wormy lips.  There is nothing left on my body that resembles flesh.  All that remains is putrid gray hide with sickly green coursing through it.

I try to be something that people can look at, not because I'm beautiful, but because I'm an example.  I tried so hard for so long to be that one positive person to my family.  Instead I'm a diseased limb waiting to be chopped off.

Any attempt to be helpful, nice, or just charismatic was stabbed.  Stabbed so many times that all that's left was a shattered, broken, bleeding being.  A bloody pulp meant to be spat on, ridiculed, and scorned.

I'm told time and time again that there's more to this.  Time and time again I'm reminded this "more" is pain.  Others wonder why I am so secluded, so wrapped up in myself.  They don't stop to ask why.  They don't take the time to ask why.  What caused this child to think, no play with unspeakable evil.  What made this person hate so many things, to stop caring about almost everything.

Pain and fear create my disease. 

My Attempt at Something Deep

I just finished walking around downtown Ypsi singing worship.  Right now, I'm sitting in my work while I'm not on the clock.  I don't really have any reason to be down here, except for trying to make Angie feel better today.

I also, want to just relax as well.  Anyways, while I was walking around singing I kind of had some of my awkward half thoughts floating around.

Here goes my attempt at writing something deep.

Open wounds take forever to heal.  Those on your body, and in as well. I'm not talking about like crones, but more like heart wounds.  I have a ton of open wounds in my heart.  They have been sitting there, and honestly have been starting to fester.

Sound gross?  Yeah, it is.  I don't know how to explain it, but I have a ton of wounds that were created by people I love, and who profess they love me.  Honestly, I don't know if they do.  I have a really hard time with accepting love especially from those people.

Take God for example, He's supposed to be perfect and such, but I have a mega hard time accepting His love because of those people.

The biggest and earliest source of my distrust with love is from my parents.  They physically, mentally, and emotionally hurt me.  I don't want to delve into the hurts, because I don't want to reopen the wounds anymore than they already are.  The physical stopped around 7th grade, but I still hurt.  It will take way to long to fully fathom that my parents love me.  I still don't believe it.  I still blow off the "I love you" from my parents.

Another huge person who has influenced my ability to accept love is myself.  I don't want to get into that too deeply as I don't really know what all I  have done to hurt myself.  That sounds funny, but most of my "spurts" of self abuse in every form are fuzzy.  I realize I should love myself, but I have a hard time doing it.  I have the capacity to love myself, but I find it really hard.

I really regret saying this, but Angie has been another person who has sown some wounds.  Her wounds are the freshest, and well the most prone to infection.   Stuff went down during the first month or so of our relationship.  Those wounds are still oozing puss.  It's really gross.  She won't talk about the stuff, that caused these wounds, which makes them even more prone to festering.

I'm running out of steam.  Perhaps there will be more later.

I Walk Alone

So, sorry it's been so long.  That out of the way, I guess the title is kind of depressing.  It's kind of true though. 

I am currently wrestling with God, and I am kind at a loss.  I know this match will either make or break me, and frankly it's terrifying.  Angie doesn't know how to help, and honestly she initiated most of these thoughts. 

I feel so alone right now.  I am NOT contemplating suicide, but I just don't know.  I have this gift.  It's called faith.  It's such a blessing and a curse.  It has saved me on more than one occasion, and I am pretty sure it will save me again. 

The curse is it saving me.  I have wanted so desperately to fall away from God.  I can't do it.  I can't.  Something keeps pulling me back, and I hate it.  There is this one quote from one of my favorite movies.  It pretty much goes like, "don't you believe in God?"  "Yeah, he's the biggest asshole ever."

That's how I feel.  My spiritual highs are so amazingly high, and my lows are so low.  I know that is an extremely crappy description but it's the best I can muster.  One second I'm in love with God and the next I hate the guy.

I can't explain my spiritual bi-polarness.  I can however explain why this low happened.  I guess it has a ton to do with Angie.  I can't really get into the specifics, but us being together has been one of the most painful things in my life. 

It's one of those things that is slowly leeching away at you, but really is creating a new and better person.  Angie makes me think about why people change.  Why people don't think.  I don't know it's crazy. 

Right now, if you could please pray for me and my fight with God that would be great.

The Great Expectation

I was reading my Bible tonight, when this passage struck me.  Mark 7: 24-30 really shocks me.  I know that demons and even satan MUST flee when  the name of Jesus is declared, but with this passage God's name isn't said. 

Why did the demon leave?  Of course!  Jesus has enough faith to expect the demons should flee, and flee they did.  It's so amazing when you think about it.  You don't have to utter God's name to see healing, and demons cast out.  It sure helps though.

I just think it's really neat how demons listen to our expectations.  It takes a ton of faith, that I frankly don't have yet.  I would love to have this faith, so God please grant me this faith. 

Another thing that I have been wrestling with lately is the whole idea of furthering the Kingdom.  What exactly is the Kingdom?  It's wherever God's will is being carried out.  It may not seem like it but running around with other Christians is furthering the Kingdom.

How?  We are having fellowship, it's really cool how the most random things are spreading God's will.  I wish I knew more about God's will... I guess that's where I should practice my discernment more.

Revenge I Seek...

I don't really have a premise for this post, I guess I just need to vent a bit.

^"1 How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
   How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
   and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
   How long will my enemy triumph over me?
 ³ Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
   Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
   and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
 ⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
   my heart rejoices in your salvation.
⁶ I will sing the LORD’s praise,
   for he has been good to me."
 -Psalm 13

This was the first Psalm that I opened up to.  It's really cool because it's short sweet and to the point.  There are Psalms that go on for way longer and say the exact same thing.  I think that's pretty nifty how the Psalmist just sums it all up here.

All of that out of the way, God has been really good to me lately.  Which is totally awesome because I know that I have been having problems with believing that God loves me. 

Some good news, You Are Loved has decided to become a ministry, which means that we will be telling people about God as well as telling them they shouldn't be self destructive.  That said, I think it's really important for people to know that they are indeed loved.
 

This is Our Worship, Goreship

Worship is a very odd thing, as it doesn't really matter what your actions are, it matters what your intent is.  That said, I have been dabbling with the occult.  Not really big news to most people if you really think about it.  I have been playing with the Spiritual fire, demons.

If you have any sense heed my words: DON'T DO IT!

It's the one of the most stupidest and hurtful things you can do.  I don't suggest it to anyone.  By my entertaining demons I have been worshiping satan and thus I have been messing around with well, the most effed up entity ever. 

That said, I would like to proclaim that God has bigger, better plans for me.  I can't wait to start kicking the demons out of my life.  I can't wait to start caring about everything again.

So, yes, I am starting to worship God fully again.  That means doing work.  It's gonna suck, but it's gonna be freaking awesome!  I am going to be asking for patience to endure all the crap satan will throw at me, and the wisdom to know what's right to do.  Lastly I need to ask for the conviction to do those hard things.

I would like to end this by saying the title is from a song called "Silence the Oppressors" by Impending Doom.  "Goreship" is the worship of God.

Another Poem

-Hopeless Abandon-

Screaming I cry Your name

I can't live move breath

Without You holding me

I've moved away in rebellion

Only to fall on my face again

Screaming I cry Your name

A perfect portrait

Now stained with innocent blood

Impossibly to clean

Ruined memoires

Screaming I cry Your name

Until my lungs give way

 

I just wrote that poem.  It's pretty much my way of saying so many different things all wrapped into one giant thing.  

First and foremost, it's my way of saying "I'm lost, and I don't know where to go, so I cry out to God."  The lines about not being able to live and such are pretty much me just saying "I can't function without God, and I have been trying to."

Let me say from experience, it sucks, to be without God.

The next stanza is pretty much just me complaining about some stuff gone wrong in my life. 

Bated Breath...

-Breath In Breath Out-
Y-H-W-H
The sound of breath
A cry for help
Inhale
Exhale
Breath in and out
Y-H-W-H
Move by the Spirit
Inside of you

I wrote this in church today, after watching a Nooma about breathing.  It was really nifty, because the Jews believe that God's name is so divine that we can't say it.  They think that the name of God is the sound of breathing.  If you take the letters of God's name Y-H-W-H it IS the sound of breathing!!

I think that's the coolest thing.  There is also this really awesome song Breathe Into Me is a song that kind of relates to the whole thing.  It's about breathing in God, which is TOTALLY RAD!

It's really nifty because the whole idea of breathing is like calling out the name of the living God.  Note, I said LIVING GOD.  Living = breathing right?  In my mind it does.

Operation Job Hunt

I wish I knew how to type out the "shotgun racking" noise.  Either way, I'm looking for jobs.  I found a possible job at a coffee shop in downtown Ypsilanti.  Angie works there so getting rides will be easy.  That said, I still need to get the job.  I turned in my application a while ago, and hopefully I will get the job.

If B-24's fails I don't know where else to look.  If you have any suggestions that are serious please let me know.

Now onto Bible things!  I have ideas, but I don't really know how to construe them.  I would like to talk about prayer, but talking about prayer is kind of a strange thing. 

I try to split my prayer up into four different parts: A.C.T.S.

Affirmation:  It's basically showering God with good things.  Kind of like when someone says, "Thanks for being awesome!" I totally hate affirming God because I see my attempts to  glorify Him as futile as trying to throw a rock around the world; in one throw.  Impossible.

Confession:  That's admitting your sins.  Pretty straightforward.  I also try to forgive people for stuff they have done against me as well.

Thanksgiving:  Just giving thanks to God for everything.  Nuff said.

Supplication:  That would be asking for things.