Daddy

I know I said I was done with this blog, and I am in a way.  I'm done with posting flowery diary stuff.

Tonight I went to Maundy-Thursday service at church.  We celebrated the Seder Meal and my mind was blown.  Every single expectation I had about God and tradition and everything else has been utterly wrecked.  For the past couple days I have been wrestling with the idea of perception.  Like, how do people see me?  What do they think of when they look at me?  Who decides what "truth" is?

What if the way we see "truth" is actually wrong?  Take people with dyslexia for example, we say they see letters and words incorrectly.  What if they are seeing them the right way?  Who said, "they way  the majority views stuff is right."  Recently my family and I got into a fight about forgiveness.  They say God won't forgive me until I forgive them.  According to their logic I'm going to hell because I can't forgive them for the things they have done.

I disagree.  I can't forgive until God forgives me.  If what they think is right, then how would I know how to forgive?  I wouldn't.  What gives them the right to shut me down and tell me I'm wrong?

Now I feel like I can't talk with them about the things I enjoy to discuss.  I could care less about most common conversations.  I don't like to sit around and talk about the weather or whatever.  I would much rather be up to my elbows in the muck of life.  What can I do to fix this problem?  How can I help other people?  Those are the things I care about.  Then there's of course the other conversations I have about say having my kid on the moon so they can rule the moon.  It's silly, but those are the kinds of things I care about.

Lately I've been asking God to give me heart after His.  I want to pray for other people as God would have me pray and serve them as God would have me serve.  Daddy, I want to be like you.

Well Then

I have a totally different blog that is specifically for updating and promoting my personal works.  Check it out here.

Hell Hath No Fury At All

Storm the Gates of Hell by Demon Hunter is the song I'm really meditating on right now.  It's the song that wraps me up in a neat little package with a razor wire bow.  I can't remember if I wrote about this already, but as a Christian we have two callings: to further the Kingdom of God and to fuck up satan's.

"You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder."

- James 2:19

You already have the victory.  You have nothing to fear.  Demons and satan can't touch you unless you directly let them or God gives them permission.  In either case, God has got your back to the point where you don't have to worry.  

By helping God's Kingdom you are tearing down satan's and vice versa.  Building up God's realm is just as simple as loving.  That's it.  

I have to admit, I still care about Angie after I broke up with her, and I still love her.  It's really rough on me, but I don't think I'll ever really get over caring or loving for her.  It's just something I need to accept. It's really hard for me to let anything go.

It's one of my faults and another is how I treat myself.  I let other people walk all over me and then I beat myself up after that by adding to their insults.  Then I get upset about beating myself up and then I want other people to fix me.  

I have a really big problem with not wanting to fix myself by myself.  I guess I need help, but only to a certain point.  *shrugs* I think I'm done. 

Stand Up. Speak Out. Fight Back.

Ot3P "Confrontation"

At what point should I stand up for myself?  When is it acceptable to speak out?  What about fighting back?

Never.

According to society we should never ever stand up, speak out, or fight back.  It's disgusting how we are supposed to accept the "hand we are dealt."  Yet, people who pursue the so called "American Dream" and rise above their lot.

Those people are praised, but I am shut down for trying to make my life better.  How am I trying to do so?  By following everyone's standards and trying to suck up the fact I am not happy.

My solution?  I have none that would work.  I want to talk with the people, but they don't listen, and then the conversation gets heated...

"Let us be known for the things we believe in, for the things we fight for and strive for."

-Ot3p

Sacrifice

God put this idea on my heart a while ago and then I ran away from Him.  Tonight I started getting the fellowship I need.  God kind of put this idea BACK in my heart.

As a Christian we really only have two callings: further God's kingdom and screw up satan's.  That's all there is to it.

How does one do both?  I have two songs that will hopefully help clarify.  "Sons of Thunder" and "The Finisher"

False Hope

This post is going to seem backwards.  Because it is backwards.  I first saw this picture on a shirt freshman year.  I wrote the poem that I am about to share around the end of junior year.  I shared it with my friends who I knew would be honest with my work.  They loved it. 

My room is a mess and I find "lost" things in it quite often.  Sometimes I will make an effort to find a certain "jewel."  This poem was what I sought after.  It took some ruffling through paper, but I found it. 

My intention was to read it for my creative writing class.  Neither the teacher nor the student teacher showed up.  Instead, a community assistant was there.  Nothing productive happened that day.

-Russian Roulette-

I slide a round into the chamber
Spin the chamber round and round
In a game of twisted fun
Cold steel feels smooth against my temple
The revolver clicks as I pull the hammer
Cocked and ready to fire
Slowly I pull the trigger
Sweat gleams on my furrowed brow
Blam the gun fires
Butterflies flutter from my skull

Running, Running Away

Right now I am listening to "Run" by Kutless.  Every time I listen to this song it brings remorse to my heart.  It reminds me that I am the one who runs away from God, not the other way around.  This simple truth is something that I need to be reminded of.

It's too easy to forget that God is there.  I am constantly forgetting that.  It's really amazing how people think of God and how many forget that God never leaves you.

My Disease

I feel it coursing through me.  It runs helter-skelter through my veins.  I feel this, this sickness eating away at my very being.  It consumes my heart corroding my being.  My senses are heightened, my vision alert.  I can't see clearly through this mist.  Straining, straining, I attempt to view my goal.  There is no crack in the sky, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

All I know is darkness.  A darkness so sinister, so malicious that not even love can penetrate it.  It's said, "love makes the world go round."  To me "love makes the world stop."

I try to be a light that shines in the darkness.  I try to fight the only fight worth fighting.  The result?  A mouth filled with teeth like daggers.  The only noise that emanates from this mouth is guttural promises, promises to rip, no tear, no rend the very heart from your chest.

My throat has more maggots, more flies, and more disease than an open tomb.  A long twisting appendage that used to be a tongue caresses my wormy lips.  There is nothing left on my body that resembles flesh.  All that remains is putrid gray hide with sickly green coursing through it.

I try to be something that people can look at, not because I'm beautiful, but because I'm an example.  I tried so hard for so long to be that one positive person to my family.  Instead I'm a diseased limb waiting to be chopped off.

Any attempt to be helpful, nice, or just charismatic was stabbed.  Stabbed so many times that all that's left was a shattered, broken, bleeding being.  A bloody pulp meant to be spat on, ridiculed, and scorned.

I'm told time and time again that there's more to this.  Time and time again I'm reminded this "more" is pain.  Others wonder why I am so secluded, so wrapped up in myself.  They don't stop to ask why.  They don't take the time to ask why.  What caused this child to think, no play with unspeakable evil.  What made this person hate so many things, to stop caring about almost everything.

Pain and fear create my disease. 

My Attempt at Something Deep

I just finished walking around downtown Ypsi singing worship.  Right now, I'm sitting in my work while I'm not on the clock.  I don't really have any reason to be down here, except for trying to make Angie feel better today.

I also, want to just relax as well.  Anyways, while I was walking around singing I kind of had some of my awkward half thoughts floating around.

Here goes my attempt at writing something deep.

Open wounds take forever to heal.  Those on your body, and in as well. I'm not talking about like crones, but more like heart wounds.  I have a ton of open wounds in my heart.  They have been sitting there, and honestly have been starting to fester.

Sound gross?  Yeah, it is.  I don't know how to explain it, but I have a ton of wounds that were created by people I love, and who profess they love me.  Honestly, I don't know if they do.  I have a really hard time with accepting love especially from those people.

Take God for example, He's supposed to be perfect and such, but I have a mega hard time accepting His love because of those people.

The biggest and earliest source of my distrust with love is from my parents.  They physically, mentally, and emotionally hurt me.  I don't want to delve into the hurts, because I don't want to reopen the wounds anymore than they already are.  The physical stopped around 7th grade, but I still hurt.  It will take way to long to fully fathom that my parents love me.  I still don't believe it.  I still blow off the "I love you" from my parents.

Another huge person who has influenced my ability to accept love is myself.  I don't want to get into that too deeply as I don't really know what all I  have done to hurt myself.  That sounds funny, but most of my "spurts" of self abuse in every form are fuzzy.  I realize I should love myself, but I have a hard time doing it.  I have the capacity to love myself, but I find it really hard.

I really regret saying this, but Angie has been another person who has sown some wounds.  Her wounds are the freshest, and well the most prone to infection.   Stuff went down during the first month or so of our relationship.  Those wounds are still oozing puss.  It's really gross.  She won't talk about the stuff, that caused these wounds, which makes them even more prone to festering.

I'm running out of steam.  Perhaps there will be more later.

I Walk Alone

So, sorry it's been so long.  That out of the way, I guess the title is kind of depressing.  It's kind of true though. 

I am currently wrestling with God, and I am kind at a loss.  I know this match will either make or break me, and frankly it's terrifying.  Angie doesn't know how to help, and honestly she initiated most of these thoughts. 

I feel so alone right now.  I am NOT contemplating suicide, but I just don't know.  I have this gift.  It's called faith.  It's such a blessing and a curse.  It has saved me on more than one occasion, and I am pretty sure it will save me again. 

The curse is it saving me.  I have wanted so desperately to fall away from God.  I can't do it.  I can't.  Something keeps pulling me back, and I hate it.  There is this one quote from one of my favorite movies.  It pretty much goes like, "don't you believe in God?"  "Yeah, he's the biggest asshole ever."

That's how I feel.  My spiritual highs are so amazingly high, and my lows are so low.  I know that is an extremely crappy description but it's the best I can muster.  One second I'm in love with God and the next I hate the guy.

I can't explain my spiritual bi-polarness.  I can however explain why this low happened.  I guess it has a ton to do with Angie.  I can't really get into the specifics, but us being together has been one of the most painful things in my life. 

It's one of those things that is slowly leeching away at you, but really is creating a new and better person.  Angie makes me think about why people change.  Why people don't think.  I don't know it's crazy. 

Right now, if you could please pray for me and my fight with God that would be great.