It's Been A Long While

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to post anything, I was swamped by a bunch of stuff in life. I've decided to undertake the task of cleaning my blogs up and also only use one. I'm sorry if your favorite post goes missing.

Battle Cry

This post will hopefully be fairly lengthy as I have so much on my mind. Lately fighting has been on my mind. I don't mean just physical fighting but also every other kind of fight. Since I stopped running Junior year, I've decided lately I want to start doing martial arts.

Especially pressing on my mind has been the idea of Spiritual warfare. I know it isn't something I need to worry about; so I don't. I only give demons a thought when they are messing with me or someone else. However, the idea of just messing up satan and being a warrior for Christ is what fascinates me. I wish I could find the words to fully express why I want this. Having faith in Christ is enough to cause satan and all his legions to mark me as an enemy.

I want to be that enemy. I want to be that man who everyone thinks of when they think of a Christian. I want to be the person who is willing to die for his faith. One of my favorite, and lengthy quotes, touches on this:

"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is 

much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, 

nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable 

creature, and has no chance of being free unless made or kept so by the 

exertions of better men than himself."

-John Stuart Mill

This quote reminds me if I am unwilling to fight for freedom in any sense, I am not the best person I can be.

Daddy

I know I said I was done with this blog, and I am in a way.  I'm done with posting flowery diary stuff.

Tonight I went to Maundy-Thursday service at church.  We celebrated the Seder Meal and my mind was blown.  Every single expectation I had about God and tradition and everything else has been utterly wrecked.  For the past couple days I have been wrestling with the idea of perception.  Like, how do people see me?  What do they think of when they look at me?  Who decides what "truth" is?

What if the way we see "truth" is actually wrong?  Take people with dyslexia for example, we say they see letters and words incorrectly.  What if they are seeing them the right way?  Who said, "they way  the majority views stuff is right."  Recently my family and I got into a fight about forgiveness.  They say God won't forgive me until I forgive them.  According to their logic I'm going to hell because I can't forgive them for the things they have done.

I disagree.  I can't forgive until God forgives me.  If what they think is right, then how would I know how to forgive?  I wouldn't.  What gives them the right to shut me down and tell me I'm wrong?

Now I feel like I can't talk with them about the things I enjoy to discuss.  I could care less about most common conversations.  I don't like to sit around and talk about the weather or whatever.  I would much rather be up to my elbows in the muck of life.  What can I do to fix this problem?  How can I help other people?  Those are the things I care about.  Then there's of course the other conversations I have about say having my kid on the moon so they can rule the moon.  It's silly, but those are the kinds of things I care about.

Lately I've been asking God to give me heart after His.  I want to pray for other people as God would have me pray and serve them as God would have me serve.  Daddy, I want to be like you.

Well Then

I have a totally different blog that is specifically for updating and promoting my personal works.  Check it out here.

Hell Hath No Fury At All

Storm the Gates of Hell by Demon Hunter is the song I'm really meditating on right now.  It's the song that wraps me up in a neat little package with a razor wire bow.  I can't remember if I wrote about this already, but as a Christian we have two callings: to further the Kingdom of God and to fuck up satan's.

"You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder."

- James 2:19

You already have the victory.  You have nothing to fear.  Demons and satan can't touch you unless you directly let them or God gives them permission.  In either case, God has got your back to the point where you don't have to worry.  

By helping God's Kingdom you are tearing down satan's and vice versa.  Building up God's realm is just as simple as loving.  That's it.  

I have to admit, I still care about Angie after I broke up with her, and I still love her.  It's really rough on me, but I don't think I'll ever really get over caring or loving for her.  It's just something I need to accept. It's really hard for me to let anything go.

It's one of my faults and another is how I treat myself.  I let other people walk all over me and then I beat myself up after that by adding to their insults.  Then I get upset about beating myself up and then I want other people to fix me.  

I have a really big problem with not wanting to fix myself by myself.  I guess I need help, but only to a certain point.  *shrugs* I think I'm done. 

Stand Up. Speak Out. Fight Back.

Ot3P "Confrontation"

At what point should I stand up for myself?  When is it acceptable to speak out?  What about fighting back?

Never.

According to society we should never ever stand up, speak out, or fight back.  It's disgusting how we are supposed to accept the "hand we are dealt."  Yet, people who pursue the so called "American Dream" and rise above their lot.

Those people are praised, but I am shut down for trying to make my life better.  How am I trying to do so?  By following everyone's standards and trying to suck up the fact I am not happy.

My solution?  I have none that would work.  I want to talk with the people, but they don't listen, and then the conversation gets heated...

"Let us be known for the things we believe in, for the things we fight for and strive for."

-Ot3p

Sacrifice

God put this idea on my heart a while ago and then I ran away from Him.  Tonight I started getting the fellowship I need.  God kind of put this idea BACK in my heart.

As a Christian we really only have two callings: further God's kingdom and screw up satan's.  That's all there is to it.

How does one do both?  I have two songs that will hopefully help clarify.  "Sons of Thunder" and "The Finisher"

False Hope

This post is going to seem backwards.  Because it is backwards.  I first saw this picture on a shirt freshman year.  I wrote the poem that I am about to share around the end of junior year.  I shared it with my friends who I knew would be honest with my work.  They loved it. 

My room is a mess and I find "lost" things in it quite often.  Sometimes I will make an effort to find a certain "jewel."  This poem was what I sought after.  It took some ruffling through paper, but I found it. 

My intention was to read it for my creative writing class.  Neither the teacher nor the student teacher showed up.  Instead, a community assistant was there.  Nothing productive happened that day.

-Russian Roulette-

I slide a round into the chamber
Spin the chamber round and round
In a game of twisted fun
Cold steel feels smooth against my temple
The revolver clicks as I pull the hammer
Cocked and ready to fire
Slowly I pull the trigger
Sweat gleams on my furrowed brow
Blam the gun fires
Butterflies flutter from my skull

Running, Running Away

Right now I am listening to "Run" by Kutless.  Every time I listen to this song it brings remorse to my heart.  It reminds me that I am the one who runs away from God, not the other way around.  This simple truth is something that I need to be reminded of.

It's too easy to forget that God is there.  I am constantly forgetting that.  It's really amazing how people think of God and how many forget that God never leaves you.

My Disease

I feel it coursing through me.  It runs helter-skelter through my veins.  I feel this, this sickness eating away at my very being.  It consumes my heart corroding my being.  My senses are heightened, my vision alert.  I can't see clearly through this mist.  Straining, straining, I attempt to view my goal.  There is no crack in the sky, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

All I know is darkness.  A darkness so sinister, so malicious that not even love can penetrate it.  It's said, "love makes the world go round."  To me "love makes the world stop."

I try to be a light that shines in the darkness.  I try to fight the only fight worth fighting.  The result?  A mouth filled with teeth like daggers.  The only noise that emanates from this mouth is guttural promises, promises to rip, no tear, no rend the very heart from your chest.

My throat has more maggots, more flies, and more disease than an open tomb.  A long twisting appendage that used to be a tongue caresses my wormy lips.  There is nothing left on my body that resembles flesh.  All that remains is putrid gray hide with sickly green coursing through it.

I try to be something that people can look at, not because I'm beautiful, but because I'm an example.  I tried so hard for so long to be that one positive person to my family.  Instead I'm a diseased limb waiting to be chopped off.

Any attempt to be helpful, nice, or just charismatic was stabbed.  Stabbed so many times that all that's left was a shattered, broken, bleeding being.  A bloody pulp meant to be spat on, ridiculed, and scorned.

I'm told time and time again that there's more to this.  Time and time again I'm reminded this "more" is pain.  Others wonder why I am so secluded, so wrapped up in myself.  They don't stop to ask why.  They don't take the time to ask why.  What caused this child to think, no play with unspeakable evil.  What made this person hate so many things, to stop caring about almost everything.

Pain and fear create my disease.