I'm going to be totally honest in this post. I have never cried at a funeral or viewing of anyone. Ever.
One day in November, I was driving and I was pretty upset over some stuff both of my roommates were doing, and I saw this homeless girl and God told me to help her. I argued for a minute and eventually gave in. My friend and I bought some stuff for this girl. I gave it to her, and we talked for about 30 to 40 minutes. I gave her my number and we talked for about a month before she dropped off the face of the Earth.
I had talked with my roommates about letting her spend the night on our couch and it was alright with them. With this winter being so cold and my friend telling me one of her friends almost froze, I was worried she had died.
A few weeks ago, I had texted her before I took her out of my phone. I figured if she didn't respond she was dead, and at least I tried to contact her. She responded, and we talked for a bit.
Then later that week, she sent me a text confirming where I lived and asking if she could sleep on our couch. I said yes, and I picked her up where she was at. We spent time talking and we're actually fairly good friends. She taught me how to gas chug, which is homeless lingo for panhandling at gas stations for gas and money. I learned how to do this, because I want to know what it's like to be homeless, I want to be "homeless" for a week in each season.
She went to the hospital last night and went to jail tonight. She went to jail because she had a bench warrant which is from not going to court. She got a ticket for panhandling and she paid it off. When the court sent her the summons or whatever it's called for her hearing they sent it to an address she couldn't have possibly gotten it from. I don't know how the cops found her as a bench warrant isn't a really big deal and isn't a cause of concern for the police.
She told me she got arrested and asked me to write her and visit her. I'm going tomorrow to see what I can do.
Back to the whole funeral part, thinking my new found friend was dead almost made me cry. I don't know why someone who is so "insignificant"* could have such a huge impact on my life. I mean, I've seen God moving through me by helping her and I've seen how much I have, but I don't understand. Today her friend was taking her to a doctor's appointment, and the car ran out of gas and needed a jump. I helped them. My friend and I hugged for the first time since we met. I can't even begin to describe how the hugs we shared today felt or whatever. I'm still trying to process it, they didn't feel like "normal" hugs. They felt like the hugs I share with family.
My friend likes to cook and I told her she had free reign of our kitchen. Today on the phone before I helped her and her friend, she told me she got her food stamps worked out so she was going to cook for my roommates and I. It is just kind of scary to think that I don't know how long she will be in jail. But I know that God has got her covered and I know that she'll be alright. Prayers for my friend and I would amazing and appreciated.
*I say "insignificant" because to most people the homeless aren't a big deal to them. They have no need to worry about the homeless.
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
My Disease
I feel it coursing through me. It runs helter-skelter through my veins. I feel this, this sickness eating away at my very being. It consumes my heart corroding my being. My senses are heightened, my vision alert. I can't see clearly through this mist. Straining, straining, I attempt to view my goal. There is no crack in the sky, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
All I know is darkness. A darkness so sinister, so malicious that not even love can penetrate it. It's said, "love makes the world go round." To me "love makes the world stop."
I try to be a light that shines in the darkness. I try to fight the only fight worth fighting. The result? A mouth filled with teeth like daggers. The only noise that emanates from this mouth is guttural promises, promises to rip, no tear, no rend the very heart from your chest.
My throat has more maggots, more flies, and more disease than an open tomb. A long twisting appendage that used to be a tongue caresses my wormy lips. There is nothing left on my body that resembles flesh. All that remains is putrid gray hide with sickly green coursing through it.
I try to be something that people can look at, not because I'm beautiful, but because I'm an example. I tried so hard for so long to be that one positive person to my family. Instead I'm a diseased limb waiting to be chopped off.
Any attempt to be helpful, nice, or just charismatic was stabbed. Stabbed so many times that all that's left was a shattered, broken, bleeding being. A bloody pulp meant to be spat on, ridiculed, and scorned.
I'm told time and time again that there's more to this. Time and time again I'm reminded this "more" is pain. Others wonder why I am so secluded, so wrapped up in myself. They don't stop to ask why. They don't take the time to ask why. What caused this child to think, no play with unspeakable evil. What made this person hate so many things, to stop caring about almost everything.
Pain and fear create my disease.
All I know is darkness. A darkness so sinister, so malicious that not even love can penetrate it. It's said, "love makes the world go round." To me "love makes the world stop."
I try to be a light that shines in the darkness. I try to fight the only fight worth fighting. The result? A mouth filled with teeth like daggers. The only noise that emanates from this mouth is guttural promises, promises to rip, no tear, no rend the very heart from your chest.
My throat has more maggots, more flies, and more disease than an open tomb. A long twisting appendage that used to be a tongue caresses my wormy lips. There is nothing left on my body that resembles flesh. All that remains is putrid gray hide with sickly green coursing through it.
I try to be something that people can look at, not because I'm beautiful, but because I'm an example. I tried so hard for so long to be that one positive person to my family. Instead I'm a diseased limb waiting to be chopped off.
Any attempt to be helpful, nice, or just charismatic was stabbed. Stabbed so many times that all that's left was a shattered, broken, bleeding being. A bloody pulp meant to be spat on, ridiculed, and scorned.
I'm told time and time again that there's more to this. Time and time again I'm reminded this "more" is pain. Others wonder why I am so secluded, so wrapped up in myself. They don't stop to ask why. They don't take the time to ask why. What caused this child to think, no play with unspeakable evil. What made this person hate so many things, to stop caring about almost everything.
Pain and fear create my disease.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Revenge I Seek...
I don't really have a premise for this post, I guess I just need to vent a bit.
"1 How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me."
-Psalm 13
This was the first Psalm that I opened up to. It's really cool because it's short sweet and to the point. There are Psalms that go on for way longer and say the exact same thing. I think that's pretty nifty how the Psalmist just sums it all up here.
All of that out of the way, God has been really good to me lately. Which is totally awesome because I know that I have been having problems with believing that God loves me.
Some good news, You Are Loved has decided to become a ministry, which means that we will be telling people about God as well as telling them they shouldn't be self destructive. That said, I think it's really important for people to know that they are indeed loved.
"1 How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the LORD’s praise,
for he has been good to me."
-Psalm 13
This was the first Psalm that I opened up to. It's really cool because it's short sweet and to the point. There are Psalms that go on for way longer and say the exact same thing. I think that's pretty nifty how the Psalmist just sums it all up here.
All of that out of the way, God has been really good to me lately. Which is totally awesome because I know that I have been having problems with believing that God loves me.
Some good news, You Are Loved has decided to become a ministry, which means that we will be telling people about God as well as telling them they shouldn't be self destructive. That said, I think it's really important for people to know that they are indeed loved.
Friday, June 18, 2010
How Have I Been Feeling of Late?
Get ready to read a WHOLE chapter from the Bible! This is perhaps my favorite chapter of the entire Bible.
"I cry out to God; yes, I shout.
Oh, that God would listen to me!
When I was in deep trouble,
I searched for the Lord.
All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven,
but my soul was not comforted.
I think of God, and I moan,
overwhelmed with longing for his help.
You don’t let me sleep.
I am too distressed even to pray!
I think of the good old days,
long since ended,
when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
I search my soul and ponder the difference now.
Has the Lord rejected me forever?
Will he never again be kind to me?
Is his unfailing love gone forever?
Have his promises permanently failed?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he slammed the door on his compassion?
And I said, “This is my fate;
the Most High has turned his hand against me.”
But then I recall all you have done, O Lord;
I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.
They are constantly in my thoughts.
I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works.
O God, your ways are holy.
Is there any god as mighty as you?
You are the God of great wonders!
You demonstrate your awesome power among the nations.
By your strong arm, you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
When the Red Sea saw you, O God,
its waters looked and trembled!
The sea quaked to its very depths.
The clouds poured down rain;
the thunder rumbled in the sky.
Your arrows of lightning flashed.
Your thunder roared from the whirlwind;
the lightning lit up the world!
The earth trembled and shook.
Your road led through the sea,
your pathway through the mighty waters—
a pathway no one knew was there!
You led your people along that road like a flock of sheep,
with Moses and Aaron as their shepherds."
-Psalm 77
The whole Psalm depicts how I have been feeling lately. In the first couple of verses it states that the writer was to distressed to sleep, or even pray. I have been feeling that way a lot lately.
Like the one time I was in the car on a trip to Kentucky. I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't pray. It was one of the most aggravating things ever. As a result I ended up talking with an adult I trust a bunch, and I also read my Bible. 1 Corinthians to be exact. It was recommended that I read it and so I did, I also highlighted lots of important things.
When I talked with this adult I we talked about the possibility of me dating this one girl. This adult told me about what her son did before he started to date the woman he is now married to. She told me about how to tell if you really love someone everything in 1 Corinthians 13 should ring true in that relationship.
The things stated in 1 Corinthians 13 do not ring true in the relationship with my parents. Both my parents and I get angry at each other quickly, and it sucks. That said, we are going through family therapy which will hopefully help fix most of the problems.
Back to the Psalm. I often think back to the days when things were "better." The reason for the "'s is because every day is a good day. That is according to my cross country coach. He is a very smart man, and I agree with him. With the way he looks at things every day is a good one, so I can't possibly think of a day as bad. Sometimes I forget that every day is a good one, and I think of days as being bad. There is always the possibility of your day being worse. Thus everyday is a good one.
One of my friends who I know loves me has told me something many times. He has stated that God promised to never, ever forsake me. This means no matter how many doors I open for satan God will continue to love me. I think that is amazing. In the past I have been unfaithful to God, and have asked Him "why have you forsaken me?" Of course God hadn't forsaken me, or forgotten about me. It was just me being stupid and opening doors for satan to attack me.
Lately I have been under mega attack, and I have needed mega prayer. Which I have gotten, and I have not been under attack. Which is epic. I have been unwilling to pray for myself because I think that God will ignore my prayers or something. That is ridiculous. God sent His Son to die for me, and that means He loves me a bunch.
I want to be like the Red Sea in the Psalm. That means I want to tremble at the mention of God. Which I think is pretty legit. I want to have such a fear and respect for Him that I tremble at His name.
"He said in a loud voice, 'Fear God and give him glory, because the hour of his judgment has come. Worship him who made the heavens, the earth, the sea and the springs of water.'"
-Revelation 14:7
We should fear God. Not bad fear, but good fear. What does that mean? Well, it means we should have a healthy respect and fear for Him. We should be afraid of a God who very well could zap you into oblivion. We should fear God's righteous wrath. He could very well kill everyone, but He doesn't because we were made to love Him, and other people. I'm not trying to scare you by any stretch of the imagination. Just trying to inform you.
"I cry out to God; yes, I shout.
Oh, that God would listen to me!
When I was in deep trouble,
I searched for the Lord.
All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven,
but my soul was not comforted.
I think of God, and I moan,
overwhelmed with longing for his help.
You don’t let me sleep.
I am too distressed even to pray!
I think of the good old days,
long since ended,
when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
I search my soul and ponder the difference now.
Has the Lord rejected me forever?
Will he never again be kind to me?
Is his unfailing love gone forever?
Have his promises permanently failed?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he slammed the door on his compassion?
And I said, “This is my fate;
the Most High has turned his hand against me.”
But then I recall all you have done, O Lord;
I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.
They are constantly in my thoughts.
I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works.
O God, your ways are holy.
Is there any god as mighty as you?
You are the God of great wonders!
You demonstrate your awesome power among the nations.
By your strong arm, you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
When the Red Sea saw you, O God,
its waters looked and trembled!
The sea quaked to its very depths.
The clouds poured down rain;
the thunder rumbled in the sky.
Your arrows of lightning flashed.
Your thunder roared from the whirlwind;
the lightning lit up the world!
The earth trembled and shook.
Your road led through the sea,
your pathway through the mighty waters—
a pathway no one knew was there!
You led your people along that road like a flock of sheep,
with Moses and Aaron as their shepherds."
-Psalm 77
The whole Psalm depicts how I have been feeling lately. In the first couple of verses it states that the writer was to distressed to sleep, or even pray. I have been feeling that way a lot lately.
Like the one time I was in the car on a trip to Kentucky. I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't pray. It was one of the most aggravating things ever. As a result I ended up talking with an adult I trust a bunch, and I also read my Bible. 1 Corinthians to be exact. It was recommended that I read it and so I did, I also highlighted lots of important things.
When I talked with this adult I we talked about the possibility of me dating this one girl. This adult told me about what her son did before he started to date the woman he is now married to. She told me about how to tell if you really love someone everything in 1 Corinthians 13 should ring true in that relationship.
The things stated in 1 Corinthians 13 do not ring true in the relationship with my parents. Both my parents and I get angry at each other quickly, and it sucks. That said, we are going through family therapy which will hopefully help fix most of the problems.
Back to the Psalm. I often think back to the days when things were "better." The reason for the "'s is because every day is a good day. That is according to my cross country coach. He is a very smart man, and I agree with him. With the way he looks at things every day is a good one, so I can't possibly think of a day as bad. Sometimes I forget that every day is a good one, and I think of days as being bad. There is always the possibility of your day being worse. Thus everyday is a good one.
One of my friends who I know loves me has told me something many times. He has stated that God promised to never, ever forsake me. This means no matter how many doors I open for satan God will continue to love me. I think that is amazing. In the past I have been unfaithful to God, and have asked Him "why have you forsaken me?" Of course God hadn't forsaken me, or forgotten about me. It was just me being stupid and opening doors for satan to attack me.
Lately I have been under mega attack, and I have needed mega prayer. Which I have gotten, and I have not been under attack. Which is epic. I have been unwilling to pray for myself because I think that God will ignore my prayers or something. That is ridiculous. God sent His Son to die for me, and that means He loves me a bunch.
I want to be like the Red Sea in the Psalm. That means I want to tremble at the mention of God. Which I think is pretty legit. I want to have such a fear and respect for Him that I tremble at His name.
"He said in a loud voice, 'Fear God and give him glory, because the hour of his judgment has come. Worship him who made the heavens, the earth, the sea and the springs of water.'"
-Revelation 14:7
We should fear God. Not bad fear, but good fear. What does that mean? Well, it means we should have a healthy respect and fear for Him. We should be afraid of a God who very well could zap you into oblivion. We should fear God's righteous wrath. He could very well kill everyone, but He doesn't because we were made to love Him, and other people. I'm not trying to scare you by any stretch of the imagination. Just trying to inform you.
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