My Disease

I feel it coursing through me.  It runs helter-skelter through my veins.  I feel this, this sickness eating away at my very being.  It consumes my heart corroding my being.  My senses are heightened, my vision alert.  I can't see clearly through this mist.  Straining, straining, I attempt to view my goal.  There is no crack in the sky, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

All I know is darkness.  A darkness so sinister, so malicious that not even love can penetrate it.  It's said, "love makes the world go round."  To me "love makes the world stop."

I try to be a light that shines in the darkness.  I try to fight the only fight worth fighting.  The result?  A mouth filled with teeth like daggers.  The only noise that emanates from this mouth is guttural promises, promises to rip, no tear, no rend the very heart from your chest.

My throat has more maggots, more flies, and more disease than an open tomb.  A long twisting appendage that used to be a tongue caresses my wormy lips.  There is nothing left on my body that resembles flesh.  All that remains is putrid gray hide with sickly green coursing through it.

I try to be something that people can look at, not because I'm beautiful, but because I'm an example.  I tried so hard for so long to be that one positive person to my family.  Instead I'm a diseased limb waiting to be chopped off.

Any attempt to be helpful, nice, or just charismatic was stabbed.  Stabbed so many times that all that's left was a shattered, broken, bleeding being.  A bloody pulp meant to be spat on, ridiculed, and scorned.

I'm told time and time again that there's more to this.  Time and time again I'm reminded this "more" is pain.  Others wonder why I am so secluded, so wrapped up in myself.  They don't stop to ask why.  They don't take the time to ask why.  What caused this child to think, no play with unspeakable evil.  What made this person hate so many things, to stop caring about almost everything.

Pain and fear create my disease. 

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God

"Do not be far from me,
for trouble is near
and there is no one to help."
Psalm 22:11

I would use the rest of Psalm 22, but that would be 31 verses of pure depression. Which, explains why it is one of my favorite Psalms. I can relate.

Most of the time I feel like a worm and not a man; it is also pretty common for me to feel like God has just walked out on me. Of course He hasn't but that's where this verse comes in.

I really need to learn to start trusting people including God, my family, and my girlfriend. God, put people in my life to tell me to change how I live. The nagging has gotten really annoying.

I am the kind of person who needs to be shown how to do something. I can't be told "do better in school" and then left with that. Do better how? Oh yeah, work harder... I think I'm working as hard as I can under the current situation.

It feels a lot like the people around me who are trying to help are actually harming. They nag and nag which adds pressure and stress to me. I can't function with at least four people breathing down my back telling me what to do...

God, please hear my cry for help of "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God" Amen