I Don't Even Know

I'm going to be totally honest in this post. I have never cried at a funeral or viewing of anyone.  Ever.

One day in November, I was driving and I was pretty upset over some stuff both of my roommates were doing, and I saw this homeless girl and God told me to help her. I argued for a minute and eventually gave in. My friend and I bought some stuff for this girl.  I gave it to her, and we talked for about 30 to 40 minutes. I gave her my number and we talked for about a month before she dropped off the face of the Earth.

I had talked with my roommates about letting her spend the night on our couch and it was alright with them.  With this winter being so cold  and my friend telling me one of her friends almost froze, I was worried she had died.

A few weeks ago, I had texted her before I took her out of my phone.  I figured if she didn't respond she was dead, and at least I tried to contact her. She responded, and we talked for a bit.

Then later that week, she sent me a text confirming where I lived and asking if she could sleep on our couch.  I said yes, and I picked her up where she was at.  We spent time talking and we're actually fairly good friends.  She taught me how to gas chug, which is homeless lingo for panhandling at gas stations for gas and money.  I learned how to do this, because I want to know what it's like to be homeless, I want to be "homeless" for a week in each season.

She went to the hospital last night and went to jail tonight.  She went to jail because she had a bench warrant which is from not going to court.  She got a ticket for panhandling and she paid it off.  When the court sent her the summons or whatever it's called for her hearing they sent it to an address she couldn't have possibly gotten it from.  I don't know how the cops found her as a bench warrant isn't a really big deal and isn't a cause of concern for the police.

She told me she got arrested and asked me to write her and visit her.  I'm going tomorrow to see what I can do.

Back to the whole funeral part, thinking my new found friend was dead almost made me cry.  I don't know why someone who is so "insignificant"* could have such a huge impact on my life.  I mean, I've seen God moving through me by helping her and I've seen how much I have, but I don't understand.  Today her friend was taking her to a doctor's appointment, and the car ran out of gas and needed a jump.  I helped them.  My friend and I hugged for the first time since we met.  I can't even begin to describe how the hugs we shared today felt or whatever.  I'm still trying to process it, they didn't feel like "normal" hugs.  They felt like the hugs I share with family.

My friend likes to cook and I told her she had free reign of our kitchen.  Today on the phone before I helped her and her friend, she told me she got her food stamps worked out so she was going to cook for my roommates and I.  It is just kind of scary to think that I don't know how long she will be in jail.  But I know that God has got her covered and I know that she'll be alright.  Prayers for my friend and I would amazing and appreciated.

*I say "insignificant" because to most people the homeless aren't a big deal to them.  They have no need to worry about the homeless.

What About Guys?

As a guy I find it incredibly frustrating that society has all these messages about how women should be treated.  Don't get me wrong, women are wonderful and are honestly my favorite part about God's creation.  However, I don't understand why there isn't much of anything I've found on how to treat men.

Most of what I've found are "cute" pictures and such posted on Facebook which are mostly about the "right guy."  Which I guess is something, but still guys need to be treated right too.  It's annoying to see women abuse their femininity to in essence put guys into this tiny box where the guy is basically a slave for lack of a better term.

Granted, men do treat women disrespectfully, but I don't think that's right for either gender to do that.

"And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.  For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church.   As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything." - Ephesians 5:21-23

Submitting isn't obeying them without questioning, it's an idea of respecting someone else's authority and respecting someone esle.

"For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.  He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault.  In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself.  No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.  And we are members of his body." - Ephesians 5:25-30

Love is such an important thing and I honestly think both of these passages reflect how both men and women operate, but it's still super annoying to not see much in society on how to treat men.

A Lesson Being Taught

Right now I have two roommates. One of them has Aspergers, so living with Joey is quite a change for me.  Normally I would deal with conflict or someone being a butt by rushing in headlong and swinging.  The only problem is that Joey can't handle conflict at all.  I'm having to learn how to be up front while being tactful.  I have to say I am a long ways away from learning this skill.

Roy, my other roommate is paid to teach Joey how to live on his own.  With Joey in the apartment, it's teaching both of us how to be patient.  It's also teaching me when my passive-aggressive is crossing a line and becoming vengeful.  It makes me realize when and where it isn't okay to be passive-aggressive.

God is teaching Roy and I some pretty cool things through our friendship as well.  I found this list and it was kind of scary to see that only one of the things really doesn't apply to us.  That item would be the one about joint bank accounts, but we're learning that marriage/relationships is more about the other person than yourself.  We're also both learning that relationships aren't wrapped up with sex.  My therapist made a point about dating/marriage by saying, "you're basically with your best friend, sex is just a bonus."  Which is super true.  It's sad to see people get so wrapped up in the sexual side of relationships that they neglect what makes relationships work.

Real Men Wear Pink?

I have been thinking long and hard about being mature in the sense of being an adult.  I don't really remember how the thoughts came to me, but I decided I would write about it and then use Bible passages to back my thoughts up.

There is a distinct difference between being an adult and being a real "man" or a real "woman."  Sure, age marks you as such, but really in most cases you're not really a "real adult."

To me being mature can be summed up in 14 (and probably more)  ways:
1. Being Godly
2. Being responsible
3. Clean language
4. Sobriety
5. Seeking truth in things
6. Not acting rashly
7. Being wise
8. Not being proud
9. Having a sound mind
10. Having healthy relationships
11. Researching before an opinion is formed
12. Having integrity
13. Having mentors
14. Having people they mentor

All of this said, I know being a mature is a process and you won't get there until you're in Heaven.  I say this because I see people who I would classify as mature doing failing to do some of the things on the list. Which just makes me think maturity is a journey.

I've also come to realize there is no quick or easy way to maturity, which stinks in some ways but also makes the journey so much better in other ways.  I've found that I tend to treat objects a lot worse if someone gives it to me, or at least I tend to.  There is some sort of pride that goes into earning what you have that comes with hard work.  I don't understand why that is or how it works, but I know it does.  This makes growing up so much more rewarding because you earned it.

It's funny how God rewards maturity.  Once I moved out of my parent's house I abused my freedoms quite a bit.  I ended up drinking way more than I should have, but God used that to let me realize that getting drunk isn't as fantastic as everyone says it is.  Once I decided to not drink God started pouring blessings on me. It's really cool to know God respects our obedience. I don't even fully know how God made me grow as I can't really fully look at myself to see how mature I am and have an accurate reading of it.

God's been telling me I'll be a youth pastor for years and I had been shirking the calling because I didn't want to go to school and I thought being a youth pastor wouldn't let me reach the "broken" kids.  "Broken" to me means the people that are often forgotten by others because they are considered "unlovable."

I was talking with one of my mentors about starting youth ministry and she directed me towards doing ministry with kids in Juvie.  I love this idea!  I've been praying and asking if this is where God wants me and if it is, that He would show me how to get there.

Last week God reopened my eyes to the calling I have for the homeless.  I was driving and there was a homeless girl freezing outside God told me I was going to be helping her and so I did.  I went out and bought a blanket, food, and some other stuff for her.  I decided to keep blankets and other things in my car to help the homeless.  I also decided I would leave a room for Mira where I live and Mira would always have a place in my house.  Mira is the name of the girl I met last week since I didn't really explain that.

Most of my favorite people are the ones who aren't afraid to tell me what I need to hear instead of what I want to hear.  They're the people I go to when I need help and when I need advice.  It's also nice to just sit and talk to them about stuff.  It's crazy how God also blesses it when you let people speak into your life.

I hope this helped with sharing where I'm at with maturity.

It's Been A Long While

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to post anything, I was swamped by a bunch of stuff in life. I've decided to undertake the task of cleaning my blogs up and also only use one. I'm sorry if your favorite post goes missing.

Battle Cry

This post will hopefully be fairly lengthy as I have so much on my mind. Lately fighting has been on my mind. I don't mean just physical fighting but also every other kind of fight. Since I stopped running Junior year, I've decided lately I want to start doing martial arts.

Especially pressing on my mind has been the idea of Spiritual warfare. I know it isn't something I need to worry about; so I don't. I only give demons a thought when they are messing with me or someone else. However, the idea of just messing up satan and being a warrior for Christ is what fascinates me. I wish I could find the words to fully express why I want this. Having faith in Christ is enough to cause satan and all his legions to mark me as an enemy.

I want to be that enemy. I want to be that man who everyone thinks of when they think of a Christian. I want to be the person who is willing to die for his faith. One of my favorite, and lengthy quotes, touches on this:

"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is 

much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, 

nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable 

creature, and has no chance of being free unless made or kept so by the 

exertions of better men than himself."

-John Stuart Mill

This quote reminds me if I am unwilling to fight for freedom in any sense, I am not the best person I can be.

Daddy

I know I said I was done with this blog, and I am in a way.  I'm done with posting flowery diary stuff.

Tonight I went to Maundy-Thursday service at church.  We celebrated the Seder Meal and my mind was blown.  Every single expectation I had about God and tradition and everything else has been utterly wrecked.  For the past couple days I have been wrestling with the idea of perception.  Like, how do people see me?  What do they think of when they look at me?  Who decides what "truth" is?

What if the way we see "truth" is actually wrong?  Take people with dyslexia for example, we say they see letters and words incorrectly.  What if they are seeing them the right way?  Who said, "they way  the majority views stuff is right."  Recently my family and I got into a fight about forgiveness.  They say God won't forgive me until I forgive them.  According to their logic I'm going to hell because I can't forgive them for the things they have done.

I disagree.  I can't forgive until God forgives me.  If what they think is right, then how would I know how to forgive?  I wouldn't.  What gives them the right to shut me down and tell me I'm wrong?

Now I feel like I can't talk with them about the things I enjoy to discuss.  I could care less about most common conversations.  I don't like to sit around and talk about the weather or whatever.  I would much rather be up to my elbows in the muck of life.  What can I do to fix this problem?  How can I help other people?  Those are the things I care about.  Then there's of course the other conversations I have about say having my kid on the moon so they can rule the moon.  It's silly, but those are the kinds of things I care about.

Lately I've been asking God to give me heart after His.  I want to pray for other people as God would have me pray and serve them as God would have me serve.  Daddy, I want to be like you.

Well Then

I have a totally different blog that is specifically for updating and promoting my personal works.  Check it out here.

Hell Hath No Fury At All

Storm the Gates of Hell by Demon Hunter is the song I'm really meditating on right now.  It's the song that wraps me up in a neat little package with a razor wire bow.  I can't remember if I wrote about this already, but as a Christian we have two callings: to further the Kingdom of God and to fuck up satan's.

"You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder."

- James 2:19

You already have the victory.  You have nothing to fear.  Demons and satan can't touch you unless you directly let them or God gives them permission.  In either case, God has got your back to the point where you don't have to worry.  

By helping God's Kingdom you are tearing down satan's and vice versa.  Building up God's realm is just as simple as loving.  That's it.  

I have to admit, I still care about Angie after I broke up with her, and I still love her.  It's really rough on me, but I don't think I'll ever really get over caring or loving for her.  It's just something I need to accept. It's really hard for me to let anything go.

It's one of my faults and another is how I treat myself.  I let other people walk all over me and then I beat myself up after that by adding to their insults.  Then I get upset about beating myself up and then I want other people to fix me.  

I have a really big problem with not wanting to fix myself by myself.  I guess I need help, but only to a certain point.  *shrugs* I think I'm done. 

Stand Up. Speak Out. Fight Back.

Ot3P "Confrontation"

At what point should I stand up for myself?  When is it acceptable to speak out?  What about fighting back?

Never.

According to society we should never ever stand up, speak out, or fight back.  It's disgusting how we are supposed to accept the "hand we are dealt."  Yet, people who pursue the so called "American Dream" and rise above their lot.

Those people are praised, but I am shut down for trying to make my life better.  How am I trying to do so?  By following everyone's standards and trying to suck up the fact I am not happy.

My solution?  I have none that would work.  I want to talk with the people, but they don't listen, and then the conversation gets heated...

"Let us be known for the things we believe in, for the things we fight for and strive for."

-Ot3p